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12 July 2007 @ 12:07 am
Spork: We Used To Be Friends  
I am a member over on the Godawful Fanfiction Forums (GAFF) and if you don't know, they spork really really bad fanfic over there.

Since I have never done one before, I decided that I would give it a shot. It isn't nearly as mean as some of the other sporks but you guys know how I am. Even at my worse, I can't be that mean. The quotes of the story are in italics. My comments are normal.

I am not quite sure if this is suppose to be a parody fic or if this person is actually serious. But I present to you We Used To Be Friends by Shariasweetie. (This is my first spork too so be gentle, use plenty of lube, please.)

Hello, my name is veronica mars. let me tell you a bit about myself.
Like I never learned in school that my name should be captialized and that the start of sentences should be too. Poor V, never learned capitalization. But...have no fear because...

We do have a cold stone creamery though and every Friday I like to go there with my bffs, logan, mac and wallice. They are my best friends and I would diet without them. I’ve been through some hard times and they were always there 4 me. If anyone ever tried too hurt them, I would kick their asses.
PRODUCT PLACEMENT! I really hope she is getting paid for tossing that bit about Cold Stone in there. Maybe she gets a free Birthday Cake Remix with each mention because it is coming up again. And now we know the real reason that women diet, because they don't have best friends there 4 them.

So it was a beautiful Saturday morning in neptune and I was watching tv. There were no classes because it was a Saturday. I was watching my favorite television programme, the adventures of mary-kate & ashley olsen. They are detectives like me and they are my roll models.
Mmm, delicious, flaky Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsens, fresh out of the oven. No fat, no calories, no taste. And apparently, V is now 8 years old in this fic.

Suddenly my dad bursted into the apartment. His eyes were wide with excitement. “veronica, I have huge news!! I got a new job!!!”
I was so sexcited that I dropped my bowl of ice cream. “OMG! What is it??”
“Well, I have become the official mystery solver for the president! I am going 2 be getting paid a million dollars for every mystery I solve and were moving to washington dc!!!”

Oddly, with all the jobs that Bush has created with Homeland Security, I would believe "Official Mystery Solver"

“Wait, veronica,” stopped my dad. “I have some sad news…in order for me to be the official detective for the president, we have to move to washington dc and live in the white house. We r moving tomorrow. U will never see any of your friends ever again.”
Everything became quiet as I realized how much my life would change. I dropped my bowl of ice cream.

That is one slippery bowl of ice cream, that is.

“hey veronica,” said logan. “do u want to go to cold stone creamery tonight?”
DING! Free Birthday Cake Remix coming up.

I began 2 say yes, but then I hesitated, remembering that I was moving away. I didn’t kno what to tell him. We loved each other more than anything, and if I were to move, he would be sad 4 the rest of his life. Then, suddenly, I got an idea and I knew wat to tell him. It was something that was going 2 be very hard for me to say, but it was the only thing I could do.
“ew, no, I do not want to go with u,” I said. “u are ugly and I don’t even like you. Don’t talk to me ever again.”
This was a lie, but I had to lie and be a bitch to him, because if I didn’t, he would spend the rest of his life single and depressed over me, waiting for me to cum back to neptune. Now this way, he would hate me and go on living, without dedicating his life to me or anythin.

Again, V is 8 years old in this. You are ugly and a poo-poo head and no! I will not make out with you. It is nice that even V can be a Mary Sue in this. Oh Logan! How will you survive without me? Who go to Cold Stone Creamery with you?

a/n: thanx you guys for all your comments!!! And thank you to samantha for ur advice on making veronica sarcastic, I will make her sarcastic from now on. Thx! OH and btw this chapter is dedicated to my bff katrina whose bf broke up with her and she is really sad. Plz be nice to her in the comments because im afraid she might start slitting her wrists again.
I just really have no words for this part. My mind boggles.

Dad started 2 cry. “I understand, veronica. Well, if u want, we can just stay here and go on being poor. I mean, with all our new money, I was going to pay Mary-Kate and ashley olsen to attend your nineteenth birthday party. But we can just forget about that I guess.”
Aww, Keith. That is the caring and loving dad that we all know...Wait, again, is V 8 years old?

And so a few minutes later me and dad were on the plane which would take us to our new home at the white house. A stewardess walked to the front of the plane. “hello everyone, thanx for choosing oceanic airlines flight 814. today for ur entertainment we have a wide variety of selections from the cw network. First, an episode of the search 4 da next pussy doll. Second is an episode of hidden malls. Enjoy.”
I sighed. As much as I loved search 4 da next pussy doll, I was still so sad about having 2 move.

The worst thing about Oceanic Air is that their planes crash on mysterious deserted island. It is having to sit through CW programming. Just wait, it will be a series from JJ Abrams next fall.

I stopped being afraid, trying 2 keep my cool. “oh, uh, nuthin. I just saw a snake on the plane.” Everyone stared at me.
“um, miss, could u please not scare any1 by lying about there being snakes on the plane?” asked the stewardess.
“and could u not scare anyone by wearing those ugly shoes???” I said all sarcastic-like becuz I am a very sarcastic person.

Sam Jackson will kick your ass. He doesn't not take shit from nobody! He doesn't want no motherfucking snakes on a plane references on in this motherfucking fanfic! And it is nice to see that she is taking the advice of the people leaving her comments (see author's note above)

“hello everyone,” said president. “as you know, my name is president fag. Let me show u 2 ur rooms.”
Me, dad and president fag walked down a gigantic hallway 2 my room. There were so many pictures all around the wall; many of them were of Mary-Kate & ashley olsen. “Hey,” I said to president fag. “do you like Mary-Kate & ashley?”
He smiled. “yeah!! They’re my faves!” we hi-fived each other and I realized that maybe staying here wasn’t going 2 be so bad after all.

Sadly, I've heard the present administration called a lot worse. And actually, I wouldn't be surprised if Dubya liked the Olsen Twins. I just think their mysteries might be a little over his head.

Finally we arrived at my womb. It was pink and gigantic. There were posters of Mary-Kate and ashley spread out all around.
That'll be one lucky baby once she starts breeding! Personally, I like to decorate my womb with pictures of Christian Bale but to each his own.

His name is dyke casablankas.
Well, Dick does like girls. A lot. Appropriate typo. I'll let it slide for two points.

I began 2 protest, but the president but him. “it’s been a long day veronica, y don’t u get some sleep?? The sheets on ur carpet r made of velvet. Have a nice nap.”
Poor V has to sleep on the floor. And no blankets either? What kind of White House are they running here!

I had oppened the door 2 a huge dungeon, and there were people being whipped and tortured. The prezident was standing in the middle, laughing at everyone’s pain.
On the left side of the dungeon were sam and dean winchester from suppernatural. They were in agony making shoes while the president whipped them with one of his tentacles.
In the middle of the dungeon were jack and kate dawson from titanic. They were rapidly trying 2 make sandwhiches while the president whipped them with one of his tentacles. Also being whipped were lorelai and rory gilmore.
And finally on the right side of the dungeon wuz my dad, who was trying to make clothes, while the prezident was whipping him with three tentacles! Dyke casablancas was with him. Poor dyke; he did not know that his new father was secretly a horrible monster.
I screamed when the president realized I wuz here. “ahh, veronica!” he shouted. “glad u could join us. WELCOME 2 HELL! HA HA HA!”
Before he captured me w/ his tentacles, my last thought wuz of the beautiful face of logan, which I didn’t know if I wud live to see again.

You know, as I was reading this, my first thought was...what is this fic missing. That's it! Tentacle monsters. But nope, she covered that too. Tentacle monsters enslaving people like it was Kamp Krusty. Nope, got that. Hmmm, how about if they were fictional characters from CW...crap, she covered that too! Is there anything she doesn't think of?

a/n: why r u guiz flaming??? i showed this story 2 my bff katrina and she said it was relli good. Don’t u no a good fic when u see it?? Oh, btw katrina, do u want 2 see transfoamers? Mitchell can’t cum though because he’s a shitty bf and I don’t want u 2 get back with him.
More fabulous author notes. You know, I always read fanfics based on what Katrina says is good. I am also glad that Mitchell can't come. He IS a shitty boyfriend. And I think I saw Transfoamers. He was on last season's Top Chef, right?

Dean winchedder walked up 2 me. “omg…I havent had sex in over a month!! Veronica, do u want to do it?”
I looked at dean and normally I would’ve said yes because he is really hot on supernatural, but right now he was covered in blood and sweat and he wuz really disgusting. “um…no thx.”
He didn’t listen. He jumped on me and tried to have sex with me. I screamed and president fag appeared and smacked dean with his tentacle. Dean fell to the ground, dead. “no sex allowed in the dungeon!” president shouted, and then walked away.

Don't you know anything! You can only have sex in the Oval Office! With interns! Glad that tentacle President set them straight.

I gasped with excitement. “can my dad cum?”
Hope so if you are here, V. (Sorry, that one was WAY too easy)

“im dying, veronica,” he whispered. “lol…im dying…”
I am LOLing right now. And dying. At the same time.

Wallice screemed like a girl. He is gay. His boyfriends name is clarence weedman and they r fighting 2 let gay marriage be allowed in neptune. “we have 2 go tell someone that the prezident is evil!! U’ll be famous!”
So basically Wallace gets with the only other black character in Neptune? Come on, if he was gay, at least make him get with Logan or someone more interesting. Also, apparently, he has turned into Mario Cantone.

Wallice and I jumped in wallice’s blackmobile (in addition to being gay, wallice is also black) and we drove to the town center. We ran inside and mayor lamb was sitting at his desk. “wat can I do 4 u?”
The only fact about the whole show that she managed to get right. Two points for her!

LOGAN ECHO!!!!!!!111
Logan...Logan...Logan...I am thinking I missed some part where she shouted into a cave or a canyon here. With all the other stuff, nothing would surprise me at this point.

Thanks for clearing that up. Since nobody is remotely close being in character, I really did need these headers to let me know who was speaking.

They started 2 have sex.
I felt a little jealous becuz I waz not having sex with any1. I turned to mayor lamb. “hey, do u want 2 do it?”
He said yes and we started jumping on each other and having sex and everything.

ORGY AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE! Everyone is cumming! Or in this case...maybe not.

Toy vandergraph began 2 cackle. He was wearing a shirt that said princess on it and his shoes were from payless.
Obviously not a queen since he had on shoes from Payless. Maybe if he discovers Jimmy Choos, he can get a shirt that says "Queen".

“Idk,” I replied. “remember that nite when I was rapped? Well, any1 in neptune cud be the father or mother of my baby.”
You know that old blonde joke about the blonde who was pregnant and didn't know who the mother was...it has made its way to this fanfic.

finally I have kidnapped veronica!! We will be so happyy 2gether!!! Soon she shall eb saying “logan hoo?” ha ha ha ha!
I was so scared and sad and I felt so bad 4 logan hoo had just lost his true luvl.
Ha ha ha ha!!!111
I was so sad.

Again, thank god for this! How else am I suppose to know who is thinking evil thoughts and is a tentacle monster and who is really a good citizen of Neptune! GASP!

“yea,” da toilet said. “my name is parka. I used 2 be max’s roommate, remember??” I remembered. “o yea, I do. So, um, if u dont mind me askin, parka, y r u a toilet???”
She giggled. “well it’s a very long stori. Let me begin. Do u remember when piz put a video of u and him having sex on da internet? Well, a witch was so mad at him 4 doin dat dat she cast a horrible spell on him. She turned him into a horrible tentacle monster and turned every1 around him into objectz. Da only way dat we can becum humans again is if u manage 2 forgive piz 4 being a total asshole 2 u.”

Waaaaaaait, didn't this story get sporked before. Something about Beast having sex with a teapot? I think someone has been reading too much GAFF!

Weevil, jackie and parka started 2 sing and dance. “be my guest!!! Be my guest!! Dat stupid cristina is such a pest!!”
HA! Told you.

a/n: I hate u all!!! Guess wat my aunt is a magician 4 birthday parties and if i ask her 2 she’ll help me cast evil spells on all of u!!! Im like harry potter except not becuz he’s gay!!!
How about asking her to cast a spell to help you write decent fanfiction with a good plot, characterization, and spelling. Or if the magician can't do that, maybe you could find this magical mystical creature called a Beta. Sorry, no tentacles.

I GASPED WHEN I SAW WHAT WAS HAPPENING. There was a million camera men and a bunch of celebrities all around the castle. They all stared at me and shouted “HELLO VERONICA MARS!! WELCUM 2 UR VERY OWN SUPER SWEET 16!!!”
Suddenly 2 people arrived at the front door. Veronica answered it, and she screamed. “OMG!!!! IT’S MARY KATE AND ASHLEY OLSEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

It is pretty clear there is some kind of spell going on here. Veronica acts like she is 8. Her dad was going to give her a 19th birthday party. And now she is having a sweet 16. And the Olsen Twins, totally predictable. Much better would have been John Stamos and a midget.

We were all out of pretzels so dat means da party wuz almost over. I walked over 2 piz. “u no wat piz…dis was really nice of u. it makes me 4get all da shitty things u’ve done 2 me in the past. Well piz, I…i…for—“
“SAY IT SAY IT SAY IT!” shouted weevil, jackie and parka.
“I forget hoo played cerdic diggory in da forth harry pooter movie,” I exclaimed.

The sign of every great party, do they have enough pretzels? I know if I walk in and that pretzel bowl is empty, I am turning around and walking right back out. Actually, that last line did have me cracking up. Two points.

My wife flashed be4 my eyes.
Hey! That is illegal in this state! Take her to the dungeon where she can make shoes with the cast of One Tree Hill!

“how old r u?” asked selma hearst-rose.
“twelve,” I replied.

There is that age spell again!

That is all she has up for now but really, I could spork every single line of this.
Current Mood: highhigh
Rayrayruz on July 12th, 2007 12:49 pm (UTC)
Oh god... oh god... I'm crying I'm laughing so hard. You rock... and this author person... just a little less faith in hnumanity... I'm somehwere in the negative thousands by now.
lauratdlauratd on July 12th, 2007 05:04 pm (UTC)
I'm pretty sure the story is a spoof. The spelling gets progressively worse in each chapter. If you look at the first paragraph it's about what you would expect from a not terribly bright 13 year old, but as the chapter goes on it gets more ghettofied, text messagey and cracktastic.

So either it's a spoof or her crack habit is getting worse. I'm sticking with the first explanation because then I can enjoy it without worrying about Katrina slitting her wrists over her sucky bf.

Kelly: VM: Loserxlivvielockex on July 12th, 2007 05:16 pm (UTC)
I am really really hoping that it is a spoof. If it is, it is a decent spoof. Then again, if they are spoofing VM fic, not so good. I haven't read any of them with tentacle monsters and the cast of the CW being forced into labor camps.

But I want to know what happened to the Cold Stone Creamery!
Kelly: VM: Keithxlivvielockex on July 12th, 2007 05:17 pm (UTC)
Also, being a member of GAFF, I have seen a lot worse fic than this to be honest. So I am on the fence on if it is a spoof or not.
lauratdlauratd on July 12th, 2007 05:18 pm (UTC)
chapter 14 is up and I am sure this is a parody because this line is frikin genius:

" I looked into president fag’s shit-colored eyes and there was a gleam of lying in them."

I'm sorry, but has there ever been a better line written anywhere ever?

but OMG Im so sad cuz she iz
"going on vakshun for a week so I probs wont be updatin 4 a few days!!"

dat sux!
Sarah: Veronica/Leoboy_named_susie on July 12th, 2007 10:12 pm (UTC)
OMG, Laura, that was my favorite line from chapter 14 as well. I think this is fake too. As you pointed out, the spelling has gotten worse and she's started doing other annoying things since people started telling her how terrible her story is (putting A/N in the middle of the story for example).

Even so, I love this damn thing and dat vakshun cud nut hev cum at a wors time bcuz i luv dis storee so much n i wil mis it so much.

Rayrayruz on July 12th, 2007 10:25 pm (UTC)
It still made me cry with laughter it's so bad.
Sarah: Wallace and Veronica partyboy_named_susie on July 13th, 2007 12:03 am (UTC)
This story has been making me cry with laughter since I discovered it about a week ago. I have it set up so I get email alerts when she updates and you have no idea how giddy I get when I get notice that a new chapter has gone up.
nabikineumannn: Lemonsnabikineumann on July 13th, 2007 02:24 am (UTC)
Oh, my
The joy of crappy fic made all the better by your snarf-inducing commentary. Girl, sometimes I found it hard to breathe.

While all alone, the bad (even intentional) grates on me like torture... mix in mockery and it's like candy.

Kelly: VM: Not Funny Robxlivvielockex on July 18th, 2007 01:23 am (UTC)
Re: Oh, my
Aww, I am glad you like my snark there. It was my first spork so I was all nervous as a virgin. But at least you were gentle. :)
diseased_inside: Boobsdiseased_inside on July 14th, 2007 01:56 am (UTC)
I hate you I have to pee now.

I also spit water. I blame you for my hobble to the bathroom.

For that you get boobies.
Kelly: VM: Wallace Awesomexlivvielockex on July 18th, 2007 01:23 am (UTC)
Shut up, you know you love it when I snark on people.
lauratdlauratd on July 14th, 2007 08:17 am (UTC)
OMG I joined GAFF so I could enjoy more bad fanfic and while checking out the forums I found a review of a Hitler/FDR fic.

I knew it was going to squick me, but I opened it anyway. Seriously... I have a pretty broad mind, growing up and living in the Bay Area, I've seen a lot and I don't shock or gross out easily, but


Kelly: VM: Fight Crimexlivvielockex on July 18th, 2007 01:24 am (UTC)
I can't even go near that fic. The subject alone is enough to really squick the hell out of me. I have a HUGE problem with RPF/RPS (my cousin had some written about him and I discovered it. It was just...yeah, I don't talk about it). So I knew to just stay faaar away from there.
(Anonymous) on August 31st, 2007 01:27 am (UTC)
plz finish circumcizing mah fic so i can read it wen i cum back h0me from bored school 4 da winner

and also tell ur frends susie and laura and 2lip and erin dat i said gudbi