Log in

No account? Create an account
30 June 2014 @ 08:15 pm
Five Calls to UTS (Undead Tech Support)  
Title Five Calls to UTS (Undead Tech Support)
Author xlivvielockex
Rating PG maybe PG-13
Word Count 765
Characters/Pairing (if any) Angel, Prince Mamuwalde, Tara Thornton, Louis de Pointe du Lac, Edward Cullen, Vlad Tepes Count Dracula, Damon Salvatore, Jessica Hamby
WARNING: PARODY! This is supposed to be funny. Characters exaggerated for comedic effect.
Summary: Inspired by this: "one of my favorite things in vampire related fiction is vampires trying to keep up with technology- like actively working at sorting it out, flinging cell phones at the wall bc they couldn't figure out the touch screen, being overwhelmed by the newest version of windows and forcing themselves not to attack the computer, all the shit we struggle with but multiplied by the amount of years they've been alive and every new technological advancement they've had to sort through" -loisfreakinglane on tumblr

“Good evening gentle caller and welcome to Undead Tech Support. I am Prince Mamuwalde. How may I assist you?”

“I can’t use the site for my fantasy hockey league. It was working fine yesterday and now today, it says that it no longer supports Internet Explorer. It says to upgrade to Chrome or Firefox. What is a firefox? My…office assistant told me it was some kind of demon but when I looked it up in the compendium, Cordy, that’s my…office assistant, she just giggled with the other office girl, Fred. And the only chrome I know is on my car. I just want to make some trades and I already…uh…damaged one computer when I…uh…threw it against the wall.”

“Sir, I can help with you that. And with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking and what is your account number?”

“Yeah, it’s Angel…oh wait, it’s under Geraldo Angel, account number 11122001.”


“Hi, you’ve reached UTS. This is Tara speakin’. How can I help you?”

“My life is a pit of unending despair.”

“Uh…are you sure you got the right number? This is for tech support. You know, for like your cell phones and computers and stuff.”

“Yes, I have the right number. But the universe has once more failed me. I do not exist.”

“So what…exactly…is your problem, man?”

“I just want some acknowledgement. Is that too much to ask? With so much else that has gone so wrong. I have a single chance for happiness snatched away.”

“How about we start with your name and account number, can you do that?”

“My name is Louis de Ponte du Lac. 371342.”

“And again, what exactly is your problem? As in, why are you calling me?”

“I reach out and I touch, I tap, I run my hand along the screen but my Kindle Fire just will not respond to me!”

“Oh, fuck this shit.”



“Hello, you have reached UTS. This is Edward Cullen, how many I help you?”

“I think there is something wrong with my text messaging.”

“And what is your name and account number, sir?”

“My name is Vlad Dracul of the Order of Dracul, the Dragon but you may refer to me as Dracula. And my account number is 14621897.”

“I see your information now. And what are you having a problem with?”

“My beloved, my Mina, she isn’t responding to any of my texts. I have been sending many a day but she doesn’t reply. I have tried texting her friend, Lucy, who seems very eager to communicate with me and texts me back with vigor but she has been reluctant to tell me of Mina.”

“Lady trouble huh? I know all about that. Well, let me just make sure there isn’t something wrong with your device. You just have to keep on it with this women. Especially the special ones….tell me, what does she smell like?”


“This is Damon and part of my court ordered community service, you have the pleasure of my voice here at UTS.”

“Ah, yes, I have a question about my bill. It seems I was charged some overages for use last month. But I keep careful count of my data use. I used one, one gig for Google Maps ah ah ah, two, two gigs for Pandora ah ah ah, three, three gigs for HBO go ah ah ah, four, four gigs for Netflix ah ah ah…”

“You have to be kidding me.”



“Thanks for callin’ UTS. This is Jessica. How can I help y’all?”

“This is Angel…I mean Geraldo Angel. Account number 11122001. Listen, I have been calling and calling. I really need some help!”

“Of course. That is why we are here at UTS. To help you out. What can I do for you?”

“It’s my phone! I need it reset or something. Someone changed my background wallpaper to…well it’s pictures of two men being intimate. And they replaced all my app icons with…penises. And whenever it rings or I get a message, it plays some song about what’s in the butt or something and there is a dancing penis on my screen. I don’t know if it was my son or this other guy….[grumble] Spike…but it’s not funny. I can’t get any work done because everyone here at my office keeps laughing whenever I get a call. I was trying to kill a Bogback demon and I get a phone call and it laughed so hard it exploded!”


“I can hear you laughing!”
beer_good_foamy on July 1st, 2014 03:49 pm (UTC)

This is brilliant. (Even if far too close to RL - the most unrealistic thing about this isn't the existence of vampires, but of users who actually explain what their problem is.) I love Angel and the Count in particular. And Edward advising Dracula is just... sparkly.

And Spike totally would.
Kelly: Buffy: Welcome to SDxlivvielockex on July 1st, 2014 05:36 pm (UTC)
I KNOW RIGHT! Like I really wanted to write this but at the same time, I have worked and still work customer service. So it's like IT Crowd or something.

"What samples do you need?"
"I'm not sure."
"Well, are you looking to put in a driveway or a patio or an outdoor living space?"
"I don't know."
"Okay, well what color is your house? Your roof?"
"Uh...yellowish I think. Or maybe red. There is some purple in there"

Actual call I had yesterday.

My husband totally had the idea for the Count so I can't take credit. But there are going to be two more parts hopefully.
Deb: Angel Humiliating Disguisesdamnskippytoo on July 26th, 2014 02:38 am (UTC)
I'm afraid I'm pretty clueless about all of them besides Angel, but that last one definitely had me ROTFLMAO!! You are certainly in your element with this fic, Kel. :)

Edited at 2014-07-26 02:39 am (UTC)
Kelly: ATS: Smarter Angelxlivvielockex on July 26th, 2014 02:49 am (UTC)
I actually am working on two more parts to this fic...and Angel is in both of them. Just wait. Poor Angel, I just can't resist being mean to him. Either angsting over Cordy or technology with him!
samsom: Yaysamsom on July 26th, 2014 03:19 am (UTC)
I swear I LOVE when his friends take the piss out of Angel. I love ALL these but the last one, and the Damon Salvatore one, were absolute perfection!

I was kind of wishing Drac baby would reach through the phone line and strangle Edward Cullen, tho. Maybe next time. :P
Kelly: ATS: AWC Familyxlivvielockex on July 26th, 2014 03:22 am (UTC)
I think everyone likes it when his friends take the piss out of Angel. LOL But just wait...the second fic might have some Near Dark characters.

I was trying to decide what version of Dracula I wanted so I went with the whole obsessed with Mina thing so they could bond LOL
samsom: beloved of Angelsamsom on July 26th, 2014 03:30 am (UTC)
NOW I'm curious how you gonna fit the Near Dark vamps in this. Those MFs are effin' scary!
Kellyxlivvielockex on July 26th, 2014 03:33 am (UTC)
I was thinking in the same vein (teehee) as Damon maybe. Also have plans for some Lost Boy vampires.

Basically the next two are going to be the lesser known but still well loved by me and mine vampires.
samsom: angelus 2samsom on July 26th, 2014 03:42 am (UTC)
Oh the Lost Boys! My most favorite vamp movie EVER.

What about Jerry Dandridge? Can't forget that sexy motherfucker.
Kelly: ATS: Lilah Chokexlivvielockex on July 26th, 2014 03:44 am (UTC)
I can't decide what version of Jerry to use because I love both the original and the remake one. But yes, I have plans for him as well.

So many vampires, so little time!
(Deleted comment)
Kelly: ATS: Team Angelxlivvielockex on January 9th, 2015 05:14 am (UTC)
I was worried about that one because capturing the way The Count from Sesame Street talks was actually the hardest part of this fic. I'm glad it made you laugh. I had a blast writing it.
zanthinegirl: Angelzanthinegirl on January 6th, 2015 06:07 pm (UTC)
Oh, that's awesome!!

Kelly: Buffy: Scythexlivvielockex on January 9th, 2015 05:14 am (UTC)
Thank you so very much!
yourlibrarian: ScoobyXmasTop5-eyesthatslayyourlibrarian on January 6th, 2015 06:35 pm (UTC)
Here from buffyversetop5
Oh Angel -- I love that he has a fantasy hockey league :D
Kelly: Buffy: Bumpxlivvielockex on January 9th, 2015 05:18 am (UTC)
Re: Here from buffyversetop5
I wish I could remember who wrote the meta about it but it was this great piece on how of course Angel would be a fan of hockey because games are played indoors and usually at night. No worry of some dome opening up and turning you to dust like with football and baseball.

I didn't even know fantasy hockey leagues were a thing until my husband joined one and a fantasy soccer league! Now if only we had a fantasy fandom league!
yourlibrarian: ScoobyXmasTop5-eyesthatslayyourlibrarian on January 9th, 2015 04:22 pm (UTC)
Re: Here from buffyversetop5
Yeah it does make sense -- not to mention vampires being impervious to cold.

I wouldn't be surprised if there is one out there -- they've spread to a lot of things!
Double Dutchess: Angel alleydouble_dutchess on January 7th, 2015 01:15 am (UTC)
Here from Buffyverse top 5
This is hilarious! So glad I followed beer_good_foamy's rec to here.

(Sorry for any double posting; my original comment was marked as spam for some reason.)
Kelly: ATS: AWC Familyxlivvielockex on January 9th, 2015 05:22 am (UTC)
Re: Here from Buffyverse top 5
Sorry about that. I wonder what made it mark it as spam. But I only got the comment once.

Thank you for commenting. I'm glad you found it so funny. :)
Restfield Placerbfvid on January 15th, 2015 07:29 pm (UTC)
This is supposed to be funny. Characters exaggerated for comedic effect. Exaggeration? What Exaggeration? They all are perfectly in-character, especially The Count =)
You are genius!