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21 June 2007 @ 04:22 pm
Fic: Trapped  
Title: Trapped
Author: Kelly (jjsoapchat AT yahoo DOT com, xlivvielockex)
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 432
Characters/Pairings: Cordelia
Summary: Written for joss_las, round 7 challenge 1. Cordelia's headspace during S4.
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: LJ. Probably the C/A sites. Any place that wants it can have it, just credit of course.
A/N: And a huge thanks to Sarah (boy_named_susie) for being a fabulous beta. This was posted for competition on 6/9/07. That challenge is over so I am posting it here.

I screamed.

I screamed when I first woke up. I screamed when I realized what was going on. I didn’t know before but now I did. I came back blank and I wish I would have stayed that way.

I screamed until my throat would have been red and raw. Until I would have no voice left. It didn’t matter because I had no voice. I was robbed of it.

I was trapped. A prisoner in my own body. It was a bad dream from which I wasn’t waking up.

I used to love this body. The curves that drove the boys wild. Looking like an adult in high school. Getting into any club and getting served in L.A. Soft. Feminine. Mine. It was mine, damn it!

Not anymore. It was my cell. I hated my body. Now I know how every girl looking at fashion models felt. That. Isn’t. Me.

I hate this thing. This thing that took over. Took my life. Little henchman toadie Skip tricked me into this. I know that now. It spoke with my voice, but it didn’t sound like me. The language was all wrong. It saw with my eyes, MY hazel eyes. But there was a coldness there I could see in my own reflection. It used my body and dressed me like a whore. Not even a fashionable whore. There is a line here, people. It wasn’t me.

Why couldn’t anyone see that?

Under a spell. They had to be under a spell. If I screamed, loud enough, long enough, maybe I could break through. Or at least give this thing one hell of a migraine. I hoped I could break through for just a moment to tell someone what was going on. I’VE BEEN BODY-JACKED!

It was torture. I could still see through my eyes. I could see it hurting my friends. I could see it turning them against each other. I knew that it knew Angelus was still loose. I tried to warn them. I railed against the invisible walls of my cell.

Help! I wanted to help. Help my friends, help my family, help me. It was destroying it all. With each and every act that I was witness too. The lies, the deceit, the…wrongness. And then…then it used my body and…that is so wrong, I don’t even want to think about it!

Somebody kill me. Release me from this hell. Angel? Wesley? Gunn? Fred? Lorne? Someone? I’d take a Xander Harris patented stumbling rescue at this point. Even Buffy.

And so I scream because it is all I can do.
 
 
 
Rayrayruz on June 21st, 2007 11:43 pm (UTC)
I'm actually kind of weepy here. That last line was *shivers*. That "Even Buffy" bit... really points out how desperate she is... god... poor Cordelia!
Kelly: Cordy: California Girlxlivvielockex on June 22nd, 2007 06:55 pm (UTC)
Aww! I am sorry that it made you so weepy. I am glad you really got that feeling of desperation. I was really going for that. Thanks.
Rayrayruz on June 22nd, 2007 07:02 pm (UTC)
I get weepy at everything... including the VOs at the end of Desperate Housewives episodes...
Kelly: Cordy: California Girlxlivvielockex on June 22nd, 2007 07:05 pm (UTC)
Me too. Well, not at the VOs but I have cried at everything from tv commercials to sitcoms.
Rayrayruz on June 22nd, 2007 07:07 pm (UTC)
Some the DH ones are really touching... like the one about lies we tell ourselves before we go to bed hoping they'll be true in the morning... well...associations there but yeah... crying big thing in my life.
Kelly: Cordy: California Girlxlivvielockex on June 22nd, 2007 07:13 pm (UTC)
Own it, girlfriend! It just means you have a passionate and empathic soul. That is a rare and amazing quality. You should be proud.
skull_theatreskull_theatre on June 21st, 2007 11:58 pm (UTC)
*applauds*

NOTHING - there is no shark jumping to compare to S4. I sat boggled. "I" wanted to scream!!! Our girl...destroyed...it was impossible to watch...and yet...one hoped that it would be worth the watching in the end. It, unfortunately, was not.

HOWEVER - that's why we have fanfic. And I think you for this glimpse into Cordy's head. It's brill.
Kelly: Cordy: California Girlxlivvielockex on June 22nd, 2007 06:57 pm (UTC)
Don't even get me started on S4. I like to pretend that ATS stopped after Waiting In The Wings. LOL I think after that, well the last 3 minutes of WITW and then forward, it all felt like it was shark jumping.

Oh, I could go on and on. But thank you for the review. I will spare you my feelings about ATS in those last two seasons.
skull_theatre: waitskull_theatre on June 22nd, 2007 09:15 pm (UTC)
Sheesh. Sorry about the typos in my comment. *facepalm*

No, no I would LOVE to hear your take on Ats S4-5!!! Truly - have you held forth about it before???

I will say...that I'm a third of the way through Ats S5 and just watched "Damage." It was without doubt the finest bit of writing and acting I've yet seen in the Jossverse. It was utterly flawless and BtVS S6 and Ats S4 - although unforgivable - were worth sitting through in order to get to "Damage." I was blown away.

Ats S4 was so...bad, I mean... bad beyond any ability to make it good. I was flummoxed completely and even a moment's thought back to those episodes can leave me with my mouth hanging open at the wonderment of how/why it wasn't pulled mid-season. It's just an utterly astonishing thing to consider. It was THAT bad.

I can't even imagine what die-hard Cordy fans were going through. Because I'm a maternity photographer I recognized early on that CC was pregnant and I kept thinking - how on Earth are they going to deal with this???? A roomful of 100 monkeys on crack with 100 typewriters could have come up with something more plausible.

And every time I see your "family" icon it literally makes me enraged - that scene promised so much...goodness....and we were hoodwinked. Give me sap!!!!

Um...okay then. ;)
Kelly: Cordy: California Girlxlivvielockex on June 23rd, 2007 09:16 pm (UTC)
Oy vey, I could write an entire college sized essay on the problems in S4 and S5, the most important thing being the complete and total out of characterness of the characters and how the show lost its focus. It didn't develop a new focus, it threw the old one out and it started with a worse one.

I came from a soaps background so I was used to women getting pregnant. It happens all the times on soaps. They write around the pregnancy, the hide it, or they write it into the storyline. I figured that the crack team over at Angel could have come up with something better than what we got.

Wouldn't it have made more sense, since Angel was so protective of Cordelia and his family in earlier seasons, if she just came back, I don't know, pregnant to start with? Or if she told Angel it was a one night stand and she wanted to keep the baby? Instead of pitting Angel against her and Connor, Jasmine could have had the entire team protecting her as she grew. But no, we get the sickness that was body-jacked Cordy and Connor.

And even if they wanted to go that route, why couldn't it have been The Beast? Why did they have to push that kind of strange weird psuedo-cest on us? Sure, Connor didn't know any better but for god's sake, Angel would have known right then and there that was NOT Cordelia.

That is another thing I never understood. Angel could tell when Wes had sex, what the color of the hair of the girl was, but he couldn't tell that Cordy was off. Or that she was pregnant? Wait, what? It is like they had to dumb down every single character just to pull off that ridiculous storyline.

I wasn't a fan of the original proposed Cordelia goes evil storyline either for that very reason. They were her family, her friends, they would know. Especially freaking Angel. He has vampiric abilities.

I realize a lot of people like S4 because of Wes' transformation and I love that. I love that character development, I love the return of Faith. But that all could have been done without ruining Cordelia. I don't even think the writers knew when it was Cordelia driving and when it was Jasmine. Charisma Carpenter sure as hell didn't know.

S5 is just another mess for me as well. Another bout of out of characterness. You have Spike reduced to nothing more than a comic folly against Angel. They brought Fred to the front to fill the Cordy sized hole and it just didn't work. And I am one of those people that found Smiletime to be completely insulting to the Angel audience. It would have worked on the more lighthearted Buffy but on Angel, it is a slap in the face.

And everything about family, about redemption, is put to the side so it can be the Spike versus Angel for Buffy show. Which just pissed me off. Angel spent four years on his own, developing into an amazing character, and all that characterization goes plllt in favor of pandering. I can't stand pandering, honest to god. Especially when characterization suffers.

I could keep going but I am thinking it might be better if I just did it all in one essay. Then again, the last time I wrote about the bad characterization and writing of S4 and S5, I got pretty well beat down for it so I tend to keep my mouth shut.
skull_theatre: waitskull_theatre on June 23rd, 2007 10:15 pm (UTC)
*licks yur brain*

Amazing stuff there - and no need to go over it point by point because I'm totally in your camp on every single issue. I can't even believe that there are people in the fandom who would disagree!!! I haven't seen enough of S5 yet to get a "feeling" for the Spike/Angel interactions...but it does seem odd that the platinum one returned - if they wanted to keep fans happy why the hell did they kill the cat off in the Grand Buffy Finale???? Whatever.

I, admittedly, haven't seen a lot of television...but Ats S4 just surpasses everything I think I could ever consider to be "bad" television. And...it was actually painful...in parts. The Connor arc just hurt me.
lauratdlauratd on June 22nd, 2007 12:21 am (UTC)
I love how you balance the terror with Cordy's outrage at the fashion crimes committed against her. You let us feel her fear without making her a weak victim.
Kelly: Cordy: California Girlxlivvielockex on June 22nd, 2007 06:58 pm (UTC)
-I- was outraged over the fashion crimes committed against her! I can't imagine how poor Cordelia felt. LOL I am glad you didn't see her as weak, I was worried it was coming off like that. So thank you.
lauratdlauratd on June 22nd, 2007 07:06 pm (UTC)
I'm not much of a fashionista, but that black fringed dress had me going "Pleeease Queen!"
Kelly: Cordy: California Girlxlivvielockex on June 22nd, 2007 07:14 pm (UTC)
And those shoes! OMFG! I wrote a drabble ages about just about those damn shoes she wore with that dress.

WTF was the costume department thinking and outside of that, hello! Angel of all people should have known right then and there it was NOT Cordelia.
Sarah: Cordy life sucksboy_named_susie on June 22nd, 2007 12:23 am (UTC)
Well you already know I adore this, but I figured that I'd tell you again. I think you've done a great job expressing Cordelia's feelings and desperation and I love the line about how she'd take even a patented Xander Harris stumbling rescue. Poor, poor Cordy.
Kelly: Cordy: California Girlxlivvielockex on June 22nd, 2007 06:59 pm (UTC)
*whispers* Even though I am a die hard C/A and X/A shipper, there is a part of me that always wanted Xander to come to LA during S4 and be like "you idiots! That isn't our Queen C". And then they could get back together.

...

Crap, plot bunny.
Sarah: Cordy/Xander locker doorboy_named_susie on June 22nd, 2007 07:01 pm (UTC)
Gah! You should totally do it. I loved Xander/Cordy during BtVS. They were such fun, and I would definately read that if you wrote it.
Kelly: Cordy: California Girlxlivvielockex on June 22nd, 2007 07:03 pm (UTC)
Um, why aren't you at work? LOL

I am not sure if I can get my inner Xander on. Of course, it gives me an excuse to watch the golden age of C/X. Hmmm...no wait! I have enough to write right now.

Damnit.

I will put it on the list.
Sarah: Cordy/Xanderboy_named_susie on June 22nd, 2007 07:08 pm (UTC)
Cause I'm a slacker, LOL.

Well I didn't have to do BMV court this afternoon but I will next Friday, so I figured I'd skip out early since the next motion I have to write needs actual legal research to be done before I can do it, and I wasn't in the mood to do research, so I figured I would just start my weekend a few hours early.
Kelly: AD: Steve Holtxlivvielockex on June 22nd, 2007 07:15 pm (UTC)
Lucky. Bitch.
Sarah: Do not question Fryboy_named_susie on June 22nd, 2007 07:29 pm (UTC)
Dude, you work *at home.* I don't want to hear it. LOL.
(Deleted comment)
Kelly: Cordy: California Girlxlivvielockex on June 22nd, 2007 07:00 pm (UTC)
Thank you so very much. I always felt so horrible for her and what happened to her. I can only imagine (through fanfic) what that time trapped in her own body was like for her.
nabikineumannnnabikineumann on June 22nd, 2007 10:06 pm (UTC)
Awwww...
Poor Cordy! (and not in the sarcastic way, like so many of my 'Poor (imsert name here)''s are)

I feel you on AS4. At least sometimes in fantasy land we can all close our eyes and pretend it didn't happen, or happened in a way that might make sense.

I'd have loved to see a Xander wake-up call. I really thought that the shows failed to acknowledge one another way too much (yes, yes... networks, blah blah blah). However, that's a story for another time.
Kelly: Cordy: California Girlxlivvielockex on June 23rd, 2007 09:18 pm (UTC)
Re: Awwww...
Aww, thanks for leaving me a comment, babes. I appreciate it. :) I think you pretty well know how I feel about S4. LOL But I am glad you stopped by to check out some of my fic. :)