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14 September 2009 @ 09:09 pm
I trip the boob fantastic  
First off, a big welcome to all my new friends from the fandomsecrets Friending Meme. Hopefully this post won’t scare you off and send you running for the remove friend button.

Because right now, I’m going to talk about something I love.

Breasts.


I mean, boobies, tits, ta-tas, sweater puppies, jugs, hooters, breasticles, knockers, funbags, dirty pillows. Whatever you want to call them, I love them. I love my own, I love other women’s. If I could be a FBI (Federal Boob Inspector) I would be and I’ve got the shirt that says just that!

I pretty much think all breasts are fabulous. From little AAs all the way up to the Hs. Let’s face it, most of us think boobs are awesome.

But you know what isn’t awesome? Bras.

Oh yeah, I know those of you rocking the C-cups are going wha? And those of you with the Bs and As are confused as well. Those of ladies that are graced with the Ds and higher, you know what I’m talking about.

Because see, I’m shopping for a new bra. And I’m having a hell of a time finding one for my bodacious ta-tas. And it’s not just finding ones that fit. I go into one store and the C-cups there have to be mislabeled because I’m getting the kind of too-big-for-you bra pucker that is very visible under clothes. And another store, their D-cup makes my lovely ladies spill out over the top. Another place, their double Ds look more like triple Ds and yet another place, their DDD fits me just right. Then I’ve got a DD from another store that pushes my tits up so high, I could serve drinks off my breast-bar. It’s just as bad as women’s sizing. And for all you men out there that don’t have a girlfriend or wife (and/or don’t want one), a size 8 (or 10 or 12 or 14, etc) is never the same size from one store to another. That is another topic entirely though.

The issue too is that the bras made for what they call “fuller-figure” (which seems to be anything D and above these days) look like remnants from WWII. They are constructed like you are carrying two U-Boats under your shirt. The fabric takes on the quality and stiffness that could protect shuttles in space and upon re-entry. They come in a wide assortment of colors ranging from light beige to dark beige with the occasional white or black thrown in for variety. Lace, padding, and even a decent underwire that doesn’t bunch and pinch are like curse words in the realm of the bigger breasts. These ARE your grandma’s underwear.

It’s not like you can walk into your local Target, stroll over to the Gillian and O’Malley section, and get yourself some cute bubblegum pink lace demi-bra. No. You have to troll through the aisles, towards the back where they keep the Spanx and the Lycra “body-shapers” (which is code for “girdle”). None of those fancy brands back here in the land of the lost, I mean, the “fuller figure” aisle (and I HATE that term, for the record). You’ve got the Playtex and the Just Her Size. And let me tell you, none of those bras is Just MY Size. And you are never going to see any of those tan monstrosities going for the cheap $10 or less. You’ve got to pay for all that extra elastic and hooks and whatever else they rig to keep your luscious ladies from falling down around your knees.

The color selection, the construction, and the price are just the whipped cream and ice cream of this shit sundae because the cherry on top is the straps. Those thin satiny straps easily hidden by tank tops are no where to be found here. All the straps look like you put two maxi pads on your shoulders and tucked in the wings. They are as thick as a linebacker’s and probably offer just about the same support if you get sacked on the play. I know that if I ever got caught during that time of the month, I can use the padding in my bra straps to keep Aunt Flo out of my white pants.

Now I did notice that Victoria’s Secret has started carrying DDD. Online. I remember reading, way back when I was just a budding young girl dreaming of being in a Russ Meyer film, that Victoria’s Secret didn’t even make bras big enough to fit their models. This was back when they thought a C-cup was “stripper-big”. That doesn’t surprise me. And clearly, Vicky’s is thinking that tooth floss can support and hold the ample bosoms of the world if this bra is any example. (Light MESH for support my ass). They aren’t designing cute bras for big breasted ladies. They are taking the bra designs they already have in A, B, and C and just upping the cup. Clearly, these bras were not designed by women. Or if they were, not women who anything larger than a B cup or had any family and friends pushing further into the alphabet. Hello, I also don’t want anything called a “Minimizer” bra. I’m proud of what the good universe gave me and damnit, I want to MAXIMIZE them by showing them off in a damn pretty piece of lace, wire, and hot sex.

Not to mention the fact that if you see above you need to TRY ON A BRA BEFORE YOU BUY IT since we don’t get a universal standard. There is a ton of specialty bra shops online that make beautiful bras for busty babes but that is the problem. If I pay $40-$60 for a bra, I want to make sure it fits FIRST. Most of the return policies at these stores is crazy and that also means that I have to wait on a return, wait for a new bra, and continue this cycle if the new bra doesn’t fit. Nobody should have to go through that hassle.

Is it really too much to ask the world to make a functional bra that will give my girls the support they need while making me feel sexy at the same time? Is it such a strange thing for bra makers to realize that the ladies with the bigger breasts want to feel just as sexy as our smaller cupped counterparts? With all the women getting breast implants out there, you think there would be a huge market for affordable, beautiful “fuller-figure” bras. I don’t feel sexy when I’m wearing something the color of a Starbucks latte, that feels like a suit of armor, so stiff that not even a hurricane is going to blow it down. If it can stand up on its own, without a lady in it, that isn’t the bra for me or for anyone.

So implore you, buyers of bras for Target, K-Mart, Wal-Mart, and the other evil corporations out there. Do us girls a favor. Buy something lacy, something pink, something feminine but that still has support. And if you can’t find some to buy, then tell the companies no! Tell them you will no longer buy their Iron Maiden Maidenforms! That you will no longer support their march to middle age by bras that cover and conceal. Tell them you want sexy stuff for sexy ladies!

This sexy lady will thank you for it.
 
 
Current Mood: crankycranky
 
 
 
diseased_inside: Boobsdiseased_inside on September 15th, 2009 04:17 am (UTC)
FUCK YES. For this you get boobies.
Kelly: Heart Beastyxlivvielockex on September 15th, 2009 06:14 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah, now those are some boobies I can get in front of! (Cause if I'm behind, I can't see them in all their glorious glory!)
Liz: thirstylizwontcry on September 15th, 2009 04:22 am (UTC)
Hells yes. You have just spoken for all of us with the big tatas. And you know what else is fun with the bra shopping? When one bewb is bigger than the other. Wheee.
Kelly: Fanastic Rackxlivvielockex on September 15th, 2009 06:15 pm (UTC)
Oh yes, I have that problem too. My right one is bigger than the left one. I like to say that the left one is just shy. LOL
daydreamingone: The Office - Jim wowdaydreamingone on September 15th, 2009 04:42 am (UTC)
She speaks the truth! Bra shopping is right up there on my shitlist with swimsuit shopping. People really just do not understand what a hassle these things can be. And it's stupid because it makes me resent my body when really I should resent the industry that designs and sells this ineffectual crap.
Kelly: ANTM: Cookiexlivvielockex on September 15th, 2009 06:17 pm (UTC)
THIS! See this is the biggest problem I have with not only the bra industry but women's clothing in general. Clothing shouldn't make you hate your body. It can be functional and make you feel good about yourself. Most women I know, after pants/swimsuit/bra shopping end up feeling horrible about themselves, and sometimes driven to tears.

It's horrible that something as neccessary as clothes shopping can bring us to tears.
Lisa: Eliza - B&Wobiwahn on September 15th, 2009 04:58 am (UTC)
I kinda love you, hehe.
Kelly: Buffy: Hungry and Hornyxlivvielockex on September 15th, 2009 06:17 pm (UTC)
I love you too. *smooches*
That Amber Girl: Firefly: Mr and Mrs Universefevervignettes on September 15th, 2009 05:07 am (UTC)
Srsly, the lack of cute bra's for anything over a C or D cup makes me a sad panda pants.
Kelly: Cordy: Leopard Printxlivvielockex on September 15th, 2009 06:18 pm (UTC)
I guess they figure that ladies with bigger cups don't want to feel sexy. They just want something to keep them strapped down. Or I don't know. If I keep trying to follow their reasoning, my head might explode.
one of the shiny, happy people: [madmen] Joan titsaygul on September 15th, 2009 05:49 am (UTC)
Aw, yeah. You win the internets. I totally just made a post today going "BAAAAAW, I want my cutesy patterned shit that they only make up to a C!" It was far less eloquent than yours, though. :D

I'm a fan of Frederick's. Full cup designs of their lacy stuff in up to F for 15 bucks or 2 for 25, baby!

Yeah, I've had too much caffeine, today. And, also, yay, tits!
Kelly: Fanastic Rackxlivvielockex on September 15th, 2009 06:20 pm (UTC)
The problem I have with Frederick's is the same problem I have with Vicky's and Lane Bryant to some extent. My local Frederick's, they only go up to C cup in the store. And I need to try on the bras. To top it off, the nearest Frederick's is 2 hrs away from me. If bras had some kind of standard, then I could easily buy online but that is the biggest problem. The same store, I could need a different size in every style (which has happened to me!)

We all deserve cutesy pattern shit from AA to Hs. :)
WeHo M.: BtVS - Dirty!Bad!Wrongafrocurl on September 15th, 2009 06:38 am (UTC)
Yes! I suppose that I am happy with the bras I find at Lane Bryant, but I know you have issues there.
Kelly: Fanastic Rackxlivvielockex on September 15th, 2009 06:22 pm (UTC)
Actually my favorite bra is from Lane Bryant but it's a DDD, which usually is not carried in the stores. And of course, the two I have are white and black, no lacy cuteness. LOL Not to mention the fact, the nearest LB to me is 2 hrs away.

That is my biggest beef. I can FIND the cutesy bras in DDD but I have to order them and they might not fit. I have another Lane Bryant bra that is a single D. There is just no standard, sadly, so it's impossible to buy online.
(no subject) - afrocurl on September 16th, 2009 07:23 am (UTC) (Expand)
Rebcake: incrediblerebcake on September 15th, 2009 07:50 am (UTC)
In the last few months, as I approach my mid-century mark, I've found my solution (which won't be yours, because everybody's needs are different, especially in the boobage department).

I want/need:

42B (38B: no problem, 42B: impossible)
Zero nippleage ('cos breastfeeding leads to 24 hour headlights)
Seamless underwire
Straps that don't fall down (they always do)
Pink! Purple! Fire engine red! Zebra striped!

For years, sport bras where the only answer and I, madam, am no girljock. Just in the last couple of months, they've come out with Playtex Secrets in fun colors and plunging decolletage with Stop the Slip(TM) straps. They work! $14.99 on introductory sale! The embroidered ones with scalloped edging are especially divine. Also available in up to 44DDD. It only took 40+ years of my life for them to get it! I keep buying a few more every month, because I'm certain they will stop making 'em, so I'm stocking up. My family cannot understand this new obsession with brassieres. But I'll bet you do.
Kelly: Fanastic Rackxlivvielockex on September 15th, 2009 06:25 pm (UTC)
Oh, I totally understand. I understand it all too well and I totally support it. I found the perfect bra for me. It fit perfect, the straps were small, it had a crisscross back so the weight was taken off my shoulders. I bought a ton of them. Then they discontinued them. The last one from that batch is on it's last legs so I'm desperate with searching.

And I feel for you because in shopping, it seems that the world ends at 38. Anything higher than a 38, forget it. You are going to have to dig through the bras in a box. My mom has the same problem (she's a 44C) but unlike me, she doesn't care what it looks like as long as it fits. LOL
bucybuce7590bucybuce7590 on September 15th, 2009 12:57 pm (UTC)
dude you should be a spokesperson lol. You pretty much just said what every girl in the world is thinking. It's craziness. It just doesn't make any sense. Boobs are such a huge part of our society and yet the fashion world wants to hide them? wtf.
Kelly: Fanastic Rackxlivvielockex on September 15th, 2009 06:27 pm (UTC)
Not just hide them but strap them down in all sorts of crazy elastic and lycra and who knows what else. LOL

You'd think we would be all YAY! BOOBIES! I mean, from a completely anthropological standpoint, breasts are an essential part of life. Babies need breastmilk to survive. We should be celebrating them.
Benjammin: AMANDA PALMERtheatarantina on September 15th, 2009 01:05 pm (UTC)
tl;dr,

lol, jk

but I liked the bits about boobs and girls in bras

for that, gifs

Kelly: Fanastic Rackxlivvielockex on September 15th, 2009 06:27 pm (UTC)
LOL

And the only thing I can think with the second one is "OMG! That is so cute! Where did she get that bra?!"
Sarah: A2A:  legsboy_named_susie on September 15th, 2009 08:59 pm (UTC)
Word. As much as I hate not having any cute bras, I think I'd just settle for one that didn't have enormous straps that can't be hidden under tanktops.

Kelly: DW: 10/Donnaxlivvielockex on September 23rd, 2009 09:50 pm (UTC)
God, I know right? It looks like I'm going to parachute into Iraq or something with the bra straps on most of mine!
Never play volleyball with a Toclafane: 300drunken_hedghog on September 15th, 2009 09:01 pm (UTC)
And that's a great big HELL YEAH from E-cups over here.

If I want something that fits properly and doesn't look like a) I could parachute into Germany in it, or b) I just stole in from my Gran's underwear drawer, I'm looking at £40 for a set (Bravissimo.com, thank god, knows how to make voluptuous mounds look sexy yet supported).

The Supermarkets and shops like M&S are getting better, but I still have to try on bras every damn time because they can't make their minds up what an E-cup actually is! I risked it once with a sports bra and the cup was so tight I practically winded myself doing it up.

Plus the cheaper supermarket stuff is always molded foam, which is fine for a little while and then warps so I have one breast trying to poke my eye out, and the other wandering off to the left somewhere.

Gotta say, for all that buying bras sucks, I wouldn't swap my rack for the world. At least, not while I can still balance a line of shots on it when I'm wearing a corset.
Kelly: Fanastic Rackxlivvielockex on September 23rd, 2009 09:51 pm (UTC)
I feel the same way. For all my venting about not finding cute bras, I would not trade these babies for anything. They have gotten me out of more parking tickets and gotten me more free drinks than I can count. LOL

And I love Bravissimo. I have them bookmarked. I wish they had a US equal. Their bras are so beautiful.
phantom_queenphantom_queen on September 15th, 2009 09:23 pm (UTC)
I buy most of mine at Victoria's Secret but their so expensive. Fredrick's has some pretty bras in larger sizes but they don't seem to be the same quality as Vicky's.

I've looked at Kohl's and Target but finding anything over a C, is impossible and the one's they do carry are stuff my mom/grandma would wear.

Kelly: C/A Steady to Hellxlivvielockex on September 23rd, 2009 09:53 pm (UTC)
Unfortunately, Fredericks suffers from the same problem here. Their bins only go up to a C cup here in store. And when buying online, the whole problem starts again since there is no standard for bra/cup sizes. Which blows hot monkey ass.

And total word on Kohl's and Target. Target is what inspired this rant. I do not need to look like I'm 60, okay Target?
(Deleted comment)
Kelly: Buffy: Ozxlivvielockex on September 23rd, 2009 09:54 pm (UTC)
If you need a breast reduction because of physical pain or general quality of life, most insurance plans will cover it. Have you spoken to your insurance company at all about it? I had two friends that had to get reductions and both of them were covered by insurance.
acinoganacinogan on September 16th, 2009 11:45 am (UTC)
oh, i have the total opposite problem (but still nothing cheap fits me right, either) but my BFF in high school was in your boat.

breastfeeding while wearing bras was weird, though, and those bras that have flaps that flip down to "help" you nurse...don't really help.
Kelly: VM: Be Coolxlivvielockex on September 23rd, 2009 09:55 pm (UTC)
They must make it a rule that if it's cheap, it won't fit right or look good. I don't see how a nice, cute, well fitting bra can be THAT expensive to mass produce.

And thank god I never had experience with nursing bras and thanks to the power of adoption (and shitty ovaries) I never will have to. LOL